Martha's Corner

Dear Martha, you are always wise and I know I can come to you with any problem and you are sure to offer me motherly advice. I've come into a little bit of a "workplace debacle"...and before you jump to conclusions this is not a case of mistaken identity that plagues Melanie Griffith in Working Girl. Although I do love that movie. Let the river run, sister. Here is my predicament. I have a friend at work, let's call her "Mia". "Mia" and I (Elizabuff...Buffy for short) both have a crush on the same, older man that we work with...we will call him Tobias, Toby for short. Today, he sent me, Buffy, a flirty email about the disaster that was the Husker football game on Saturday. It was sexual and playful at the same time. Did I feel a stirring in my undercarriage? Perhaps. I told Mia about it...and instead of being happy for me, for the hope of a future with this dapper Brad Pitt look-a-like, she disparaged me (obviously she is not a sister) and threatened to expose to our cyber-relationship. I'm at a loss martha...this could be the one...the one that will take me down to the brass rail bar. Sits me next to a phi delt and an agr. And the girls behind the shutters will turn green that night when he walks me home and holds me tight. Help me martha...help help me martha.

Signed, melancholy mel(anie griffith)


 A: Dear Melancholy Mel - It sounds like this problem is really one for the books. Not only are you dealing with the pain of a heartbreaking football loss, but now you can't even partake in a flirtatious email due to this treacherous friend of yours, Mia. Being that the last Martha's corner involved a problem with a dog, I'd like to revert back to a tactic that I once learned in my own dog's training class a while back. It sounds like Toby needs to make a decision and Mia needs to know once and for all that Toby has chosen you as his lady of the night. In order to do this, you need to find a setting where you can stand on one side of the room and Mia can stand on the other. From there, place Toby in the middle and both of you can give your best attempt at what is sometimes referred to as a 'cat call'. Now, you only really get one opportunity to get him to "buy tickets to what you're sellin'" if you know what I mean. So don't keep it classy, stay trashy. Once you have given it your all, let Toby decide which way he's going to go. Much like dogs, men will gravitate towards what appeals to them most, and you my friend are a steak dinner with a chew toy on top. Once Mia realizes the choice he has made, she'll have no option but to be happy and move on. Either that or she'll quit. A win-win I'd say. After all, we are radars of the night, who'd rather (do something) then fight. Don't fight Mel, do something. Do stuff, Elizabuff.

MK: What a debacle. To begin with, sorry for your loss to Bucky and his Badgers. How riskay of Toby to be sending you flirty emails! You might've felt a stirring in your undercarriage which is okay, especially with a Brad Pitt look-a-like. Those look-a-likes tend to garner a significant amount of attention and jealousy from others who are not receiving the attentin from them. You are absolutely correct in the fact that Mia is not a sister, since she's too busy disparaging you. I'd recommend to remove her from your list of friends. I'm a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, so I think a fireside chat with Mia and your explanation of how you think Toby is the one, especially the one to take you down the big brass rail, which is such a big committment! Combine that with a love for college football, and you two are on your way to pure bliss.